Wednesday, April 26, 2006

dear fuckwad in the dog park,

did you actually just fashion your leash into a crop and whip my dog with it? no seriously. did you, in fact, just beat my dog? the dog that is mine, and not yours? really? did you hit him? hard? causing him to yelp in pain and run to me and cower under a bench behind my legs? did it make you feel like a Big Man to give a defenseless animal what for?

you, sir, are a sack of shit.

and if you ever touch my fucking dog again i will rip your tiny, cowardly little nuts off and shove them down your throat. im not even a little joking.

im sorry you got ass-raped by your uncle or whatever when you were a kid. but maybe you need to work out those control issues in some kind of therapeutic setting, rather than completing the circle of rage on my dog's butt.

unfortunately for you, i have the day off and im super-pissed. so i have all kinds of time and motivation to print out hundreds of these little guys and post them all over the east village, (along with my artistic rendering of yourself and your dog):

"Beware this man: Slim, Caucasian male, 25-30 years of age with light brown hair wearing a baseball cap, knee length khaki cargo shorts, and a white t-shirt. He has what looks like a 5 lb Bison Frise on a thick rope-like green leash. On 4/26 at approx. 3pm he used this leash to beat another dog in the dog park. he is a complete and total asshole".

violence is never the answer, jackass. public humiliation is.

(except if i ever see you again and come within arms length of your nuts. then violence will totally be the answer).

Thursday, April 20, 2006

how many groups can i offend

so we have a wee problem here at 4E, the apartment where dreams sometimes go to die. The crapper keeps stopping up. And our pakistani/pseudo-muslim/sikh/shit-in-his-beard-he's-been-growing-since-birth-praise-allah super wont do anything about it, aside from recommending that we don't use toilet paper. the fuck? are we supposed to use corn husks like the fucking indians? fuck that. indians are stupid. who lives in a tent. so gay.

and he doesn't speak english, at least not any english that's pertinent to our situation. i called him when i got locked out in my underwear in the middle of winter for eight hours with my leash-less dog, and the only thing i could make out were the words 'infidel', 'devil's concubine', 'mohammad', 'religion of mercy/peace', etc...

and half the time i cant even log onto my computer because the human colostomy bags that are my neighbors are stealing my internet. lamprey nyu whores. wearing their faggy cowboy boots. eating their vegan food. smoking their goddamn american spirits (even tho they're owned by rjr inc.) because its good for the stupid tent-dwelling indians and their goddamn sweet casinos. i actually dont really have a problem with that part. gambling is like taking a really big shit after a huge dinner, making room for more corn chips and dos XX. its that good.

shit. i forgot black people. thats like forgetting you have hamster in your ass.