Tuesday, December 20, 2005

dear mta...

do what you need to do.

damn the man.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

nadir

while there have been numerous low points in my relocation to new york, the city that chews you up, spits you out, and then makes fun of your mom, i have reached rock. fucking. bottom. i got fired today. i haven't even worked in this place for a month and i got shit-canned. Mere HOURS after i turned down another job because it would interfere with the first one.

did i mention new york is expensive?

and i am so fucked. i dont know what to do. i would cry myself to sleep or something but sleep doesnt seem to want to happen. and my dog smells so bad. like, not even funny bad. he literally cannot stop farting and the odor is so pungent and awful that all five of my senses are now miserable. thanks dog.

granted, it is pretty much my own damn fault i got fired. which is cool because im feeling the appropriate amount of self-loathing. you know. just in case there was any question about that.

i honestly dont know what the hell is wrong with me. why is it so fucking hard to find and keep a decent job that i like. days like this make me ashamed to go home. its like, 'hey dad, you know how you worked the same job for thirty years? oh yeah i dont do that. i got sacked in record time'. or 'hey mom, you now how youre beautiful and dont cuss and youre a really nice person? Have you, by any chance, read my blog?'

im alone and im lost and will somebody please pull me out of this really big hole. im too exhausted to pull on my goddamn bootstraps.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

horrifying


this actually made me nauseous.

Friday, December 02, 2005

new york cares (kids...)

I had seven faces thought i knew which one to wear
I'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care
the subway is a porno pavements they are a mess
i know you've supported me for a long time
somehow i'm not impressed


so a friend writes me one of those, 'what does it all mean', 'why are we here' and 'help me im lost in my own ass-hole' letters.

and im like, whoa there....WHOA.

you, sir, are asking the wrong person for some life advice. lets talk about how i worked in a bar after graduation. where dreams go to die. or we could discuss how massively in debt i am to various doctors and medical personel, despite having a really quality health care plan. (lets all give a big 'fuck you' to health care in the US). or we could even talk about how all my friends are getting married and having babies and i have a really smelly dog. i dont know what the average person's perceptions of success are, but im relatively sure im not hitting any nails on any heads.

granted, ive made a lot of positive changes. i got the fuck outta williamsburg. that, just by itself, pretty much sucked out all of my bravado. then i quit smoking. which might have been a shit idea considering all the time spent NOT DOING ANYTHING in the last couple months. i couldve smoked the shit out of some ciggarettes. but here i am and its somehow been 40 days since my last, delicious, cancer stick.

so i dont really know what im going to tell him.

maybe he would feel better to know that im just as lost as he is. or that everyone who appears to have their shit together is just faking. i mean, everyone has their various crises, neuroses etc. some people just hide it better. or they dont get drunk and tell everyone about it. like me.

i don't know. the only piece of advice thats ever made sense to me, or made me feel better about the flaming wreckage of my mistakes was,

'eat, drink and be merry, for tomorow we die'

in other words: fuck it.