Wednesday, November 09, 2005

dear nyc, please stop sending me parking tickets

yeah. thatd be great.

and before i return, it would also be great if you could remove the crack-head that always hangs out in front of my apartment. hes always accusing my dog of mugging him. "Tha's the dog that mugged me las' night!". which is bullshit because my dog hasnt the opposable thumbs. also, the other homeless dude/crackhead who referred to my dog as a 'nigga'. as in, when i was walking troy by the bodega at the end of my block and dude was like, "get that nigga away from me!" and then squealed like a little schoolgirl as my completely pussified dog strolled by.

i would appreciate it if he went away too. the bottom of the east river would be ok with me.

lets see, what else...

oh yeah. right. east village hipster douches. you all need to die. none of you are actually from new york. not that i am either, but im not desperately trying to cover up the 'horrid' truth that im actually from butt-fuck, south dakota. nobody cares, dude. so chill. also, its ok to listen to music that more than ten people have heard of. i know death cab is getting a little too famous and mainstream for you, but i promise, they still rock. yeah, i heard postal service license its music to a shit-ton of commercials too. ive made my peace with it. cause really, you or i would do it too. if someone wanted to buy my art and splash it all over network television for an ass-load of money, id sell out faster than free crack in tompkins square park. and so would you, hipster douche.

ok, that about wraps it up. except...im really going to need to address the dude problem.

stop being so gay. seriously. fucking stop it. i understand that the east village is fag mecca, and thats cool. everybody needs to get a piece now and then. and if you are actually gay, than be gay. be the gayest gay that ever gayed. shine on, brother.

but please stop confusing me, all you straight dudes. how the hell am i supposed to get some when i cant tell the difference between a gay dude and his straight neighbor, who just happens to be really into skin care? its beyond metrosexual. if you take longer in the bathroom than i do, if i catch you checking yourself out in every reflective surface, if you can tell my shoes are from pay-less and it offends you, GO AWAY. be a man already. jesus.

thanks for your time, nyc. see you tomorrow night.

goddamn its going to be cold when i get back.

2 Comments:

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