Wednesday, October 19, 2005

ode to my life

dear life,

please stop sucking. there is only so much suck one person can suck on before they start choking. maybe if you could start small. for instance, you could let my dog know that peeing all at once is far more efficient than saving it up for each and every bush and lamppost ever. EVER. and then you could tell him to stop being a whiny little bitch at 9am when im sleeping. yes. im the only one whos allowed to be a whiny bitch. and even i dont pull shit like that at 9am.

then maybe you should have a talk with my parents about how i need my space. im probably being a huge pain in the ass by occupying my old room and bringing a hulking pussy dog with me, but i really dont need the constant lecturing and advice and the popping in and out of my room at constant intervals when im clearly trying to wallow in my own misery and how can i wallow properly with all this fucking racket. yes dad, i am aware that my car is a shit-hole. yes i will be cleaning it. and do you know when that will be? do you?? WHEN MY BACK ISNT BROKEN ANYMORE AND I CAN BEND OVER FAR ENOUGH TO CLEAN THE MOTHERFUCKER.

BACK OFF.

i realize that a less than spotless car means i am a failure at life. man, i suck. i am the worst person that has ever walked the planet. hitler is better than me because my car is dirty. god hates me. i will never amount to anything. kittens are being smashed right now, jesus is crying, and the devil is doing his happy dance because i haven't cleaned my car since 2002.

whew. ok. needed to get that out. so. when youre done with that, life, im really going to need you to sign a pledge that says you will not fuck me in the ass for at least a good six months. i think thats more than fair. youve had your time. yeah. thatd be great. seriously. i mean, its been fun and all, never a dull moment or an un-sore ass, but surely there are other tender asses in the world to fuck. frankly, im just kind of tired. its hard work.

if you could address these issues i would be stoked. and i would take a nap.

thanks dude.

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