Wednesday, October 12, 2005

holier than thou he is not

my brother is a fine upstanding citizen, and after a few years of rumspringa-esque naughtiness he now goes to church and doesn't even smoke cigarettes or anything. i was thinking about how he's so annoyingly put together and how his life is perfect and how for christmas a couple years ago he gave me his old black fleece. the tag said something like, "black sheep of the family: it's your turn, asshole".

fuck. i stepped into that one.

and man, is my shit completely not put together. for the first time since i was a teenager, im living WITH MY PARENTS. that about tattoos a scarlet "L" on my forehead. granted, it's only cause i can barely wipe my own ass due to the fact that there are still missing pieces of my broken back on a rocky outcrop somewhere in rural pennsylvania. im going to have to allow a certain amount of self pity and the embroidering of "L"s on my forehead, and try not to let it get me down.

but the tables were so very in a different position only just a few years ago. when my brother was a massive waste of space and i was a massive over-achieving, douche-bag nerd, whose greatest problem in life was a set of eye-brows that caterpillars kept confusing as one of their own.

i dont know why it makes you feel better that other people fuck up, but if martha stewart and my brother can clean up their shite lives, i guess i have a chance. and ive never had to wear one of those house arrest, lo-jack anklet thingys.

case in point: my brother's old nickname is "penis". that is all. not penis-face. not super-penis. plain, unadulterated, unadorned "penis". this was in high school. he had a van with various many-colored, many-sized renderings of penae(i?) on the roof of the inside of his car. the coup de gras was the enormous, six-foot king penis which all the other peni(ae?) seemingly orbited. he car was referred to as the "penis-mobile".

as i was huge dork with a flock of caterpillars following me everywhere, i tried REAL hard to keep all this penis-ness under wraps. of course, as i was in junior high and murphy's law was in effect because mars was in the seventh house of i hate my life, everyone found out. and i became know as..."PENIS' LITTLE SISTER".

and if you have a more embarrassing memory of your formative years, you can eat a dick because i dont believe you.

anyways, now he's totally normal and he doesnt smoke drugs and no one calls him a gonad. so i think i have a chance. and nowadays i pluck the shit out of my eyebrows.


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