Tuesday, February 15, 2005

things i would like...

...but are probably never going to happen.

i want to get an A on my next test.
i want to be a good dog mama.
i want my cell-phone battery to discontinue sucking it's own dick.
i miss my parents.
i miss my brother.
i miss my bob.
i want everything that must be done to schedule itself in a nice orderly fashion, or, to be able to clone myself whilst my clone does all the sucky stuff i have to do but dont want to.
i want the perfect body.
i want the perfect soul.
i want to stop smoking.
i want to stop hacking up my black lung for to quit smoking.
i want my dog to like me better than my roommate.
i want my roommate to go the way of the dinosaur.
i dont want to get old alone.
i dont want to get alone.
i want to grow old gracelessly.
i want everyone to think im ok.
i want everyone to be right.
i want to give more shout-outs to god just because she's probably bored sometimes.
i want dog to be my co-pilot.
i want you to notice when im not around.

'cause your so fucking special.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

what are you going to do with your life?

the very next person that asks me that question is getting a pint glass right up inside their asshole. seriously.

thats a heavy question. and its kind of personal. so why the fuck is it that total strangers youve just met feel entitled to demand a dissertation on your future life's work? 'well sir, im going to have 3.14 kids and i am going to feed them pie. is that a good enough answer motherfucker???'

and i have a special place in my heart for those perfect people who have a ready answer for every dickhead who has to ask that fucking question. 1)youre encouraging the question-asking retards. 2)FUCK YOU for knowing what you want to do with your life. 3)you are probably an unimaginative fuck and fuck you for fucking being that way. you fuck.

your soul is hollow. i knocked on it and there was nothing inside. so there.

im reading this book an ex gave me while i was having one of many post-graduation crises. It's called 'what should i do with my life'. or something like that. by some dude named po bronson.

worst. name. ever.

if you want your kid to get ass-raped on the playground when he grows up, g'head. name him po bronson.

so anyways im reading this book. and mind you ive had it for two years and still haven't managed to finish it, because it sucks that bad. his picture is on the back of the book and its just this gigantic po bronson head. i can see boogers. i bet the publishing company made him do that cause they thought he was attractive in a smoldering kind of way. cause his eyes are half closed. but mostly he just looks nicely toasted. and so im reading through this book hoping itll give me something to say to the assfaces who ask me what i want to be when i grow up.

and then i think to myself, as i struggle to keep myself awake despite his brilliant prose, 'why the fuck am i listening to some dude who thought it might be a good idea to spend his life asking other people how theyre going to spend their lives?' wouldnt that make him, like, the king of the assholes in asshole-land?

the answer is yes. yes it would.

"he represents everything i detest..." ~charles bukowski, barfly

innapropriate thought.

so. the last time i got fired from the job of girlfriend, the first thing that popped into my head was, 'golly, i sure am glad i didnt bother shaving.' cause that wouldve made it so much worse. really.