Thursday, December 30, 2004

re: Hot Male Dot Com

if i get one more email trying to super-size my penis...

well. i probably wont do anything. really. laziness and procrastination are far more satisfying attributes than irritation and/or blind hate. penis mail's just another one of life's metaphysical gnats, squatting on your coke can or flying up your nose.

so. its been a whole year. just about.

i really dont want to write anything meaningful or heavy. there's certainly enough meaningful, heavy, tsunami, war, terrorist, shit going on. my problems dont just look like gnats. they look like stunted african midget gnats that have anorexia.

its exceedingly difficult to gain the perspective of one's surroundings when your head is located inside your ass. and i dont have cnn inside my ass.

anyhow. happy fucking new year. go find someone you love and lick them. go find someone you hate and kick them. and for jeebus sake, dont be sober. i certainly wont be.

Top Ten Things to do on New Years:
1. earnestly pursue absurd levels of inebriation.
2. break stuff.
3. call everyone you know and explain how drunk you are and emphasize how much shit you've broken.
4. Howl at the moon. nekkid.
5. Get so drunk you have the intelligence level of a dog, so for to communicate with the dog as you are now on a level cognitive playing field with him. tell him he's a good dog. tell him he's a pretty dog.
6. smoke as many cigarettes as you can before 12:00am. cause this year youre totally going to quit.
7. heckle God. (my dad dragged me to church this christmas and told me they'd reinforced the ceiling above my head in case of a drive-by smiting. very funny pops).
8. dodge lightening bolts accordingly.
9. become a ninja.
10. slay pirates.
10 1/2. repeat step one in celebration of slain pirates and acquired ninja-dom.
10 3/4. you rule.


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