Thursday, December 30, 2004

re: Hot Male Dot Com

if i get one more email trying to super-size my penis...

well. i probably wont do anything. really. laziness and procrastination are far more satisfying attributes than irritation and/or blind hate. penis mail's just another one of life's metaphysical gnats, squatting on your coke can or flying up your nose.

so. its been a whole year. just about.

i really dont want to write anything meaningful or heavy. there's certainly enough meaningful, heavy, tsunami, war, terrorist, shit going on. my problems dont just look like gnats. they look like stunted african midget gnats that have anorexia.

its exceedingly difficult to gain the perspective of one's surroundings when your head is located inside your ass. and i dont have cnn inside my ass.

anyhow. happy fucking new year. go find someone you love and lick them. go find someone you hate and kick them. and for jeebus sake, dont be sober. i certainly wont be.

Top Ten Things to do on New Years:
1. earnestly pursue absurd levels of inebriation.
2. break stuff.
3. call everyone you know and explain how drunk you are and emphasize how much shit you've broken.
4. Howl at the moon. nekkid.
5. Get so drunk you have the intelligence level of a dog, so for to communicate with the dog as you are now on a level cognitive playing field with him. tell him he's a good dog. tell him he's a pretty dog.
6. smoke as many cigarettes as you can before 12:00am. cause this year youre totally going to quit.
7. heckle God. (my dad dragged me to church this christmas and told me they'd reinforced the ceiling above my head in case of a drive-by smiting. very funny pops).
8. dodge lightening bolts accordingly.
9. become a ninja.
10. slay pirates.
10 1/2. repeat step one in celebration of slain pirates and acquired ninja-dom.
10 3/4. you rule.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

so there i was.

my dork friends and i, all two of them, have a little saying. the specifics arent fit to print, but lets just say they involve the words 'balls', 'deep', and 'ass'.

instead of saying hello to each other. instead of making idle, pleasant conversation about the weather. instead of going to church and praying for our certainly damned souls, we giggle and chitter like coked up monkeys because one of us repeats a naughty phrase we have all heard at least a thousand times.

inside jokes are funny and all, but sometimes i wonder if we could all be a little more imaginative with the toilet humor.

and there can never be enough pirate jokes in this world. ever. somebody needs to get on that.

Monday, December 13, 2004

say ello to my leetle frien...troy.

still not dead. and now i have a computer to tell everyone about it. and a dog.

his name is troy. he will eat your dog if he can. especially if your dog is a little yapper that shouldnt really be classified within the bona fide species of dog anyway. those dogs are rodents. and should be dealt with accordingly.

am i alone in thinking that a chihuaha is rat-esque?

if chihuahas were found to have ancestors in the rodentia family, i bet paris hilton would be really bummed out.

and i wouldnt allow troy to eat so many of their kind. thats mostly revolting. and would be bad for his delicate digestive system which needs to save its energy for combating all the nasty things troy puts inside himself. for instance, he might lick his butt great deal. as well as other dogs butts. and he certainly doesnt have the sense to disregard his own feces. boy. does he ever enjoy not disregarding his own feces.

and. i would still rather he played with the much feces than dine on chihuaha.