Monday, October 11, 2004

the etiquette of pulling one's dick out.

there are many different stages of drunkenness, as well as different types of drunk.

you can be tequila drunk or red wine drunk, but theyre fundamentally different animals. examples of the types of drunken-ness one can achieve are: vodka drunk, boat-drink drunk, beer (we'll be here all fucking night) drunk etc.

general side effects may include:
tequila= the encrazyment of the drinker.
beer= the ability to maintain a sweet buzz, dude, for like 72 hrs. straight.
wine= attracting the guy who loves his nitrites. and his hangovers.

the stages of drunkenness are far more ambiguous, and sadly, they differ greatly between individuals, making it extremely difficult to document and predict the behavior of the drinker on a case by case basis. so i only want to mention one stage in particular, and the rest of the crap ive written has been building up to this.

the dick pulling outing stage.

it's genetic. like tongue rolling. or dimples. or that shit where your earlobes are attached or not. one parent might be recessive for crotch grabbing, while the other could be recessive for drunken assholitry. i feel that these genes are located on the same chromosome. so if those particular parents get it on, you have this little person with the potential for escalated crotch grabbing, exacerbated by a strong aptitude for getting real fucked up on brass monkey.

a genetic dick puller outer; dominant for the two recessive genes of 1)fondling oneself and 2)regularly attaining levels of inebriation that cause the subject to respond to all sensory stimuli by pulling one's dick out.

there's one in every bar. look for him. he will entertain you all night.

ray, of motherfucking sunshine.

this guy, we'll call him 'ray', is running for president of asshole-land on the platform that mornings are the devil. but thats neither here nor there.

being that im the current president of asshole-land, and also a card-carrying member, there have been many discussions as to the true nature of that which is an asshole, and who among us is most capable of stepping up, and wearing the esteemed mantle of head asshole for the next four years.

this debate is far less pointless than the televised debates for that 'usa' country. umbrella topic: two huge assholes arguing over who's the bigger asshole.

and if you think about it, america is the natural habitat of the wild asshole, an asshole so not rare, that if assholes could fly, the sky would be as sack cloth and there would be airports all up over this bitch.

so i watched 90 minutes of two dudes bleeting back and forth at each other. and i retained nothing. i try to remember what was said and all i hear is the sound of grownups talking to charlie brown. mwa mwa mwa. i can never regain those lost minutes of my life, and i think im stupider.

im not sure why i thought i would learn anything, or be able in any way to establish who i will cast my vote for. and i still think they both suck.

one dude thinks we need a constitutional amendment to prevent the spread of people catching 'the gay'. the other dude takes absolutely no stand on any issues whatsoever, and when questioned, will not confirm or deny that the word 'issue' actually exists.

fuck it. lets go get drunk.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004


i appolomagize profusely. i have no computer. i dont even have a place where i can pretend i have a computer. i merely have a library from where i can sometimes talk some shit about the douche-bags i work with. (love you guys!).

seriously, i am in die-ing-er need of some fucking internet access. so. dudes i work with need to quick looking at so. fucking. much. porn.

because for certain. this might be the reason i am no longer aloud to have fun on the company computer. goddamnit.