Saturday, September 11, 2004

bain dramaged.

'everyone's afraid of their own life, if you could be anything you wanted i bet you'd be disappointed. am i right?' ~isaac brock

what the hell do you do when you dont know what to do with yourself.

in the sense that you dont want to do what everyone else is doing, and therefore have no guide or map or obvious route to which you could emulate. i guess it would be so excellently easy for a person to just live like everyone around them does. with the job and the clothes and the kids and dogs. i dont understand why i dont want that. i wish i did want that. maybe if i got an office job, and got some dogs, and had some kids...maybe then i wouldnt notice how unfulfilled i was. but i so totally doubt it.

its not that i dont want to experience that part of life. but everything around me seems to be moving at this accelerated pace, and i find myself thinking that im in some kind of race that im losing, horribly. or that im a selfish awful person for not wanting to win.

im a static thing in this generational lifespan. and that makes no sense.

im not going anywhere, and not doing anything of consequence. im so afraid of falling into a rut and doing something i hate 5 days a week that im too afraid to do damn near anything.

i just want to see things. and travel. and not have to worry about money because i wont need it. i want to dick around all over this world until im sick of being rootless. and then i want to dick around some more just to make sure im completely done with the dicking around.

and then. then, it would be outstanding to have some dogs and some goats and litter of children. i wont turn into the bitter old asshole who's pissed cause she never saw tibet. but i dont want to be alone either.

so what now.

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