Wednesday, June 30, 2004

rules for hitting on women,

from an actual woman, and not 'Maxim'.

1. first, ask yourself these questions. and be honest: do i live in my parents basement? do i have a job? do i ever, in any context, make use of the word 'holla'? if you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, you have a damn sight more things to worry about than a piece of pussy, and should not be wasting any of my time with your entreaties.

2. your jokes usually aren't that funny, so if you detect what appears to be a grimace on my face, you might want to back off with the hilarity. if you know youre not funny, yet she's laughing anyways, she's probably humoring you. she's what they call a keeper. think of all the other ways she might want to 'humor' you.

3. look at that first question again. are you sure your being honest. seriously.

4. if you are riding in a pickup truck with 3 other dudes in the cab, random sex will almost never occur, no matter how many times you yodel, honk or yell salacious things to female passers-by. our kind do not go on runs, bike rides, or walks for the purpose of attracting lawn-monkeys or truckers. when is the last time this strategy worked for you? i will have sex with you right now if you can prove to me that at any time, some woman on the street who got honked at immediately stopped what she was doing and said, 'thank you kind sir for letting me know that the junk in my trunk is attractive to your discerning eye, my place or yours? there's a urinal right over there...'

to be continued...

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