Monday, March 08, 2004

two blame.

who was wrong. does it matter. i dont think so. i should take some responsibility, i know. but i dont know. i feel a cryptic blog entry coming. because if i haven't learned anything from this experience, i wasted a whole honk-load of time. the meandering thought process of people who have just woken up from a weird dream, or several years of self-delusion, may be hard to follow.

i think it was this; it wasn't that i did anything wrong to him. i never treated him awfully, and if i did, i felt appropriately guilty and tried to make up for it.

i treated myself awfully.

one of those momentous clarifying moments just happened, the kind where everything else you've been blabbering about doesn't really matter. i know it to be true, if that's the only true thing ive ever known. i treated myself like shit, and therefore allowed him to treat me in much the same way. and this sounds like an enormous cop-out from someone who just wants to place the blame elsewhere. its not. right square on my shoulders is my own contribution.

being a door-mat is just as bad as being a shrill, controlling harpy.

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