Wednesday, March 03, 2004

the impressionable years: Part 1

parental units

my parents decided to throw good judgment and propriety to the wind, and after having only known each other for two months, got married. they've made it clear that if i ever pull a similar stunt, they will fucking cut me.

about a year later, my mom realizes she has no idea who this person is that she's married. it takes her at least this long to admit to my dad that she has only humored his incessant speakage of machinery and cars, because she thought he was like, so hot. and that she doesn't give a rat's ass about cars and tools and will he please stop.

so then my dad is like 'holy crap. i thought this woman was really interested in machines and tools and cars. what the hell have i married into'.

i guess that's when they finally ended the 'tap-dancing around each other' thing. stopped being polite, and started being real, so it goes. and thank god. my mom ceased pretending she could cook, and my dad stopped pretending to dress himself. my brother and i experienced mercifully few food poisonings, and we never got beat up on the playground for looking like total assholes in our play-clothes. we just got beat up for being total assholes.

unfortunately, they wielded an awesome and unsettling power of intuition, and my brother and i never got away with, one. damn. thing. then came the dogs. and the giant vegetable garden out back. the rabbits and the chickens and the ducks. the ridiculous hippie, happy, menagerie that was the d**** household was not without form, and void; and darkness was not upon the face of the deep.

seriously, it was like ace ventura's apartment.


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