Thursday, March 18, 2004

the first time.

i went to ohio. i went on vacation. i went to get the fuck away from, whatever.

i wanted to jump out of my skin. or my body. whichever came first. this is hard. hard like a week without sleep. which i would know all about. hard like a broken bone. hard like a broken mind.

i used to plan around these things. i had a schedule. work like a ritalin soaked toddler for two weeks. take the next off. lay in bed, contemplate life, ignore geometry homework.

it stopped working. i stopped pretending it ever had.

we went to the lake house. it was beautiful. i think. but i couldn't, right just then. the colors were too bright. the corners were too sharp. everything was taking on that clarity that is horrifying.

when you get inside that place in your head, that makes you see the world in all it's awful grandeur, it becomes almost impossible to remember the blurred pictures that aren't hurting your eyes all the time.

so i did it. right in the middle of all the fun happy times i was supposed to be having. visiting my friends. that i love. that don't know anything about me. which is usually the way it is. i was thinking...is this was rock bottom feels like?

i didn't ever want to be afraid of jumping off some asshole cliff again. into the lake and the rocks at the bottom of it. i didn't ever want to lay in my room, prostrate on the floor, phone ringing, me not hearing at it. staring at the cracks in the ceiling hoping they would tell me something i didn't already know. so i did it.

all the thinking and planning and hating. all the not sleeping and the sleeping too fucking much. all the avoiding of normal human life for entire weeks at a time. i was tired.

it is tiring. so i did it.

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