Saturday, January 03, 2004

ugly casanova says it best

"I'm trying to sleep away the part of the day that I cannot drink away..." ~modest mouse

Bloody hell. What with the tequila consumption and my resulting inverted colon I'm so not sure what to write. Okay. So.

For two years I slavishly devoted myself to a pointless abortion of a relationship, with a person who broke up with me no less than 3 fucking times. Classy. How much of a moron am I for taking him back every single time? A very large one. Don't think I haven't whooped my own ass for being so naive. Maybe I'm masochistic. Perhaps I just don't feel I deserve to be happy. But I think all that's a load of hippie bull-shit. And the only thing that looks good on a hippie is fire.

I'm not a very chipper individual to begin with. More often than not, I prefer hot tea and a good book to meth-amphetamine induced maniacal laughter. Not that I'm suggesting naturally perky people that go around with shit-eating grins on their faces all day smoke drugs, but frankly that's the only explanation I can think of.

I got kind of off track, but my point is, my ex never made me happy or unhappy. I did that all by myself. Cause I'm a big girl. I feel like I deserve to be happy, cause I suppose every human should aspire to a certain amount of joy in their lifetime. I've just never really subscribed to the notion that the majority of my happiness should be due to a satisfying and idyllic relationship with some other person who just happens to have the right reproductive organs. That's a lot of pressure to put on anyone, and you best believe the minute I detect neediness and mommy issues I cautiously back away. Or run screaming into the night.

A certain amount of sadness/sense of loss is to be expected when one day, your best friend is no longer there. People start to feel like home after awhile, and pretty soon you forget what they smell like, how they used to laugh, what the hell you saw in them in the first place.

I have to go now because my roommate is reading over my shoulder and it's totally pissing me off.


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